Ground Zero - A little humor,
Jokes and Haiku
We thought a little humor would be good for all of us on both sides of the base fence, so here goes. It would seem appropriate to have jokes about nuclear weapons. However, we've yet to find ones that are funny. Send us your best shots and we'll post the ones that don't too seriously offend anyone's sensibilities.
Laughter, as they say, is good medicine. Here's a start. Feel free to vote them off the list! Email us.
Balance (with apologies to DC)
Jason and the Wall
Same School District, Different Kid
Via Washington, DC
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
Dog Haiku
Hiking in Bear Country
Adam Asks God for a Companion
The Chicken Gun
Ask Your Priest
Heart Surgery
It's a Dog's Life
Third Grade Quiz
Great Truths about Life that Children Have Learned
If You Need to Go to the Bathroom
A Child's View of Geography
Tickets, please!
Subject: B A L A N C E
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, The archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed Downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of White people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in All things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one Will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass And said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are great rivers and small streams, forested hills and a barren basin. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What About balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the Idiots I put there."
Top of Page
Jason and the Wall - A true story (new name):
Jason arrives on the first day of kindergarten for the free breakfast program. He is the only child to show up, so his teacher stays with him the first two mornings to keep him company and help him feel welcome.
On the third day his teacher believes she can to leave him alone in her classroom for a few minutes while she works in the school office. As a precaution, she turns on the intercom, so she can hear him from the office.
After working for a while she realizes that Jason is very quiet, so she says through the intercom, "Jason, are you okay?"
A long silence follows.
She says again, "Jason, answer me. Are you okay?"
Another silence, then she hears a shakey voice say "What do you want…wall?"
Top of Page
Same School District, Different Kid - true story:
A school psychologist arrives at a two-room schoolhouse to test a precocious first grader. Since the school is so small, the only private place to test him on this rainy day is the furnace room.
She introduces herself and explains that they are going to play some games together so that she can find out how smart he is. She then takes him by the hand and starts walking towards the furnace room. The closer they get the more the boy seems to balk.
As they get to the furnace room door, he looks up at her and says, "Why don't you find someone your own size to play games with?"
Top of Page
Via Washington, DC
A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have $100.
His mother told him to pray to God for it, so he prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.
Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, the government deducted $95.
Top of Page
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I give you my number" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in aquiring her number, then 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A".
Received from Linda A Russell.
Top of Page
Dog Haiku
I love my master
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush . Hello, Spot-
Sniff this and weep
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle
I Hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do
The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls
Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
(Thanks to Laffnow.com for this one)
Top of Page
Hiking in Bear Country
Two friends are hiking in bear country. They get to a steep, narrow slope and both slip and tumble into a ravine.
As they pick themselves up, they hear brush breaking and heavy breathing. A grizzly bear heard their fall.
They grab their packs and start running. (Don't these guys know you can't outrun a bear?) Then suddenly one of them stops, sits down and pulls his running shoes out of his pack. The other says, "You fool, there's a bear coming! What are you doing wasting time putting your running shoes on?"
He keeps putting on his running shoes and says, "You don't seem to understand the situation. I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
Top of Page
Adam Asks God for a Companion
After many seasons of living in the Garden of Eden alone Adam asked God for a companion.
Adam: God, I would like you to make me a woman -- someone who is always cheerful, supportive and understanding, and who will cook for me, wash my clothes, bear my children, always do as I ask, and never complain if I go off by myself. Can you do it?
God: Well, of course I can do it, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam: Okay. So what could I get for a rib?
Top of Page
The Chicken Gun
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."
Top of Page
Ask Your Priest
A senior Kmart executive was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody -- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
Top of Page
Heart Surgery
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running!"
Top of Page
IT'S A DOG'S LIFE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Top of Page
Third Grade Quiz
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, Johnny. "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
"What is 3x3?"
"9."
"What is 6 x 6 ?"
"36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her he thought Johnny belonged in third grade.
"Let me ask him some questions. What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?''
"Legs."
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
"Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions." (altojokes.com)
Top of Page
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
(Laffnow.com)
Top of Page
If You Need to Go to the Bathroom
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
(onemom@geocities.com)
A Child's View of Geography
Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.
(onemom@geocities.com)
Top of Page
Tickets, please!
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
Humor Courtesy of The Laffatorium (www.laffnow.com)
Top of Page
